


Cryptobusters FINAL EPISODE: Witches of Trappist

by mikawritesthings



Series: Cryptostuck [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/F, Gen, Lovecraftian Monster(s), Metafiction, Multi, Werewolves, Witchcraft, dialogue between author and character, final work in a series, part of a series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-16 22:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21278699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikawritesthings/pseuds/mikawritesthings
Summary: Metatextual insanity has driven some rifts between our hosts. But something is brewing in Trappist--something that they must face together.





	1. Join Our Coven! It's Not a Cult!

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this is the final work in the Cryptostuck series! Be prepared for some wacky shit.

\---apocalypseArisen (AA) and arsenicCatnip (AC) began trolling tentacleTherapist (TT)\---

AC: :33< hey rose

AC: :33< how would mew like to join trappists very first witch coven

TT: Given the nature of Trappist, I am nearly positive that yours is not the first.

TT: But rest assured that I have little interest in the heavily scented commercialism and pseudo-history one can find in most New Age stores.

AA: oh this isnt your average coven

AA: tomorrow were gonna summon an eldritch horror! 0u0

TT: ...Go on.

AC: :33< the two of us have been doing some research

AC: :33< apparently a pretty big name psychic saw a nyanster called her imperious condescension in her dream while she visited town

AA: that psychic was feferi peixes herself

TT: I believe I’m the one who runs a paranormal investigation show in these parts.

TT: If that hack had a vision of such a nature while in town, how did I not hear about it?

AC: :33< we miiiight have held her phone hostage

TT: You’re certainly willing to go to slightly more illegal lengths than I am.

TT: Inform me more in regards to the nature of this condescending imperialist.

AA: from the description she gives the monster is black like the void with countless tentacle like appendages that extend for all infinity

TT: Kinky.

AC: :33< she also has hot pink highlights

TT: And how exactly do you plan to summon this monstrosity?

AA: minor blood sacrifices and forbidden incantations

AA: the usual

AC: :33< mew could also feature this on cryptobusters

TT: You’ll have to give me some time before I do so.

TT: That would require some wrangling of my crewmates, which has proven to be slightly more on the difficult side as of late.

TT: I’ll try to keep you two posted.


	2. THIS IS STUPID

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing pesterlogs is fun.

\---tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering ectoBiologist (EB) and turntechGodhead (TG)\---

TT: Both of you lack the decency to answer my inquiries as to why you’ve been refusing to speak with one another.

TT: So I’ve trapped you in this chatroom with me.

TT: Talk.

EB: yeah, i’m gonna plead the fifth.

TG: first of all sonic the hedgehog is not a fucking leninist

TG: wrong chat

\---turntechGodhead left the chat.---

EB: THIS

\---tentacleTherapist added turntechGodhead back to the chat.---

EB: IS

\---turntechGodhead banned himself from the chat.---

EB: STUPID

\---tentacleTherapist unbanned turntechGodhead from the chat.---

\---tentacleTherapist banned turntechGodhead from banning himself.---

TT: Perhaps it would be better to ask more direct questions.

TT: What was the wedge that drove the two of you apart so completely?

EB: it’s stupid is what it is.

TG: some bullshit dirk spewed out his mouth about preserving the structural integrity of a narrative

TG: oh and also hes a 300 year old dullahan whos been lying to us about being our brother

TT: ...I must say, that’s a complete ethical shitfest, even by Dirk’s standards.

EB: so yeah, we’ve been too busy having existential crisises.

EB: crises?

EB: what ever.

TT: It’s completely understandable to have an existential crisis over such a revelation.

TT: However, we have a more pressing issue on our hands.

TT: Hang on.

\--tentacleTherapist added gardenGnostic (GG)  to the chat.---

GG: hey!!! this is a disaster!!!

TT: Good, now we’re all here.

TT: I have reason to believe that, and you’ll forgive me for roping a morally bankrupt author into this, a Lovecraftian horror will be summoned to Trappist tomorrow.

TT: Have a look at the messages I got from Aradia and Nepeta.

\---tentacleTherapist sent “conspiratorial_happenings.png” to the chat.---

GG: are you sure they’re serious?

GG: and not just aradia being aradia??

TT: I might consider that the case, if Nepeta were not involved as well.

TG: so what are we supposed to do about the condescending monstrosity descending upon the town blah blah blah

TG: are we gonna go all buffy the vampire slayer on this bitch

EB: who said this was gonna be an actual actual actual real thing?

EB: how do you know their summoning shenanigans will work?

TT: ...I’m not entirely sure.

TT: Call it a fortuitous foresight.


	3. The Doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter so far.

A few hours in the past, Dirk Strider crouches over his latest project in his basement workshop. His doll-repainting side hustle has been packed with orders, which is just the way he likes it. It helps to keep his mind off the creeping sense of unease that has plagued him for the past few days. The fact that he oh-so-recently revealed his greatest secret to his kid brother--well, “kid brother” in scare quotes--doesn’t exactly help. It’s a small comfort that Dave had no idea what the hell Dirk was talking about (what else is new?), but that didn’t change the awkward silence of the drive home.

This particular doll is a plushie. Dirk’s not crafting this one from scratch; this is just a repair job for something he found at the local Goodwill. It’s a little uncanny, to say the least, but Dirk isn’t about to pass up as unique a find as this.

It’s got a chibi-esque humanoid form, with a unique twist: rather than a front and a back, the doll has two front sides. Its clothes are different on each side as well, having been stitched onto the doll itself rather than worn as a seperate piece. On one side is a wickedly grinning green skeleton. It wears a short-sleeved black button-down with a jaunty red bowtie, a large Ophiuchus symbol embroidered on the front. The face is embroidered as well: mouth baring a set of sharp fangs, red spiral patterns on the cheekbones. The only thing not embroidered are its eyes: a pair of teddy-bear eyes in the same blood-red hue as its spiral markings.

On the reverse is a similar skeleton. The differences are threefold: it wears a pleasant smile rather than an evil grin, lime green spirals and eyes rather than red, and a green felt tuxedo rather than black button-down.

Tying off the final stitch on the final seam, Dirk rises to his feet and steps back to admire his handiwork. He’s gotten pretty good these past few centuries; a practiced hand is necessary for stitching one’s own head back onto one’s own body.

That’s when he notices something. The doll has two pull strings, one green and one red, for a hidden voice box, similar to talking Barbies of decades past. He’d pulled the green one earlier, only to hear a faint wheeze as though the box was irreparably broken. But he hasn’t tried the red one, and it’s starting to magnify his odd feeling of dread.

Experimentally, Dirk pulls the red string. As it turns out, this one very much does work. In fact, it works far too well, for the voice that comes out is loud enough to wake up the whole house.

DOLL: CuCK


End file.
